I never know what to say or do. If I try to be mean, I usually end up being lame or weird.
First of all, when I’m supposed to be mean, when someone is asking for it, I just look puzzled. I’m taken by surprise every time. I’m like: “…are we doing this now?“, like that Seinfeld episode. That’s the best I can do. Look confused.
I’ve tried. I still try. But I can’t pass over the “why are you mean to me?” stage which basically ruins my whole “who’s the bitch now” routine.
15-20 years ago, I was the kid that cried a lot. The one that never fought back. The one that yelled “Mom!” when another kid would take my toys.
10 years ago I looked silly when trying to be mean. My best lines in a fight were: “Yeah? Well… you’re mean!” or “I hate you!” which kind of never intimidated or irritated anyone.
And now, it’s not that I can’t come up with better fighting lines, it’s just that I can’t bring myself to say them, I keep thinking: “But that’s so mean, I’m gonna hurt his/her feelings…“. So I have a funny look on my face (“What do I do now?! Damn, I hate these situations!!“) and sometimes say: “Why I oughtta…” or “I don’t know if I can ever forgive you“.
Or, looking angry, I say something incredibly weird like: “You wouldn’t even be able to take care of a… stuffed animal!! ”
I make people laugh when I try to be mean, I’m that lame. I’m telling you: I’m really, really bad at this. Arrgh…