How to be a NONjerk in five easy steps.
I noticed that when I’m really pissed off, I tend to speak in Englsh. I’ve been brainwashed by the American culture and I start speaking like Carrie Bradshaw form time to time…
Love doesn’t suck. If you’re a guy and you’re crying your pants off ’cause she left you or you’ve been drinking since Tuesday ’cause she doesn’t want to see you anymore, chances are YOU’RE A JERK. Sure, she could have fallen in love with somebody else or her parents made her marry some rich dude – being realistic now – you probablly have been a total jerk and she’s finally realised it and dumped you.
Or maybe you’re just reading this for fun and you have no clue you’re a jerk.. keep reading then! You might be surprised to see how a woman’s mind works,… jerk! 😛
So here it goes: How to be a NONjerk in 5 easy steps.
1. Do not confuse the concept “girlfriend” with “pizza delivery boy” or “cleaning lady”.
Two years ago, on a Saturday morning, my boyfriend called. He had to work during the weekend and he was hungry at 8 o’clock… So I woke up, went to his favourite pizza place in town, got his favourite kind of pizza [no-mashrooms-etc kind of pizza] and took it to his office early in the morning. His reaction? “I told you I was hungry, why did it take so long??” and “No ketchup?? You forgot the ketchup?? You know I can’t eat my pizza without ketchup! You can’t do anything right!”
I smiled and said I was going to get some ketchup. I never came back.
Everytime she makes an effort to make you happy, DO NOT BE A JERK. Say something nice, be grateful. Most people aren’t that giving, so show some appreciation. Or she’ll walk away.
2. Be a friend. Don’t be bossy or judgemental.
I made a mistake at the office one day and told my boyfriend about it. I was afraid I would have to pay damages from my salary, I was terrified. He told me I was lucky I didn’t get fired and that he would have punished me if he were my boss. Thank you, Jesus, please show me how to be perfect like you! Give me a break, jerk!!
Plenty of people had already told me that, I don’t need my boyfriend telling me how clumsy I am, as well. I need him to tell me it’s going to be fine and ask me if he can help me straighten things up.
Whenever she complains about having a bad day, about being afraid of something – listen to her, cheer her up, give her a piece of advice. Don’t make her feel worse, for God’s sake! Don’t tell her she’s no good and that she can’t do anything right. Most probably, you’re confident because you’re not doing anything and that’s how you never mess up. So shove it, jerk!
3. Do not admire other ladies.
Unless you’re Adrien Brody [a.k.a. a perfect guy], do not point out that there are women with gorgeous bodies everywhere. Women are human beings too – they want to copulate as much as you do. We just keep it to ourselves most of the times. Why? Just imagine what it would be like if your girlfriend would share with you her fantasies about strangers: “Uh, I’d definelty do him, just look at that cute ass and that perfect smile, I’d dive him into chocolate and than lick his…” That would be a turn on up to a point, a point where it would start being annoying.
We have eyes, we know Carmen Electra is more than do-able, but we don’t want to hear that everytime she’s on TV. We also know that a certain neighbour in you building is sexy; we don’t need a reminder of that every second of the day. “Here’s a newsflash, honey: she would never date you – you are not exactly Brad Pitt and you’re a JERK.” – And she’ll walk away.
4. Don’t be a monkey.
That sounds like a metaphor, doesn’t it? Well it’s not. We all have the laziness gene in us, but some learn to fight it. So, if you know your girlfriend is coming over, WASH UP. And for God’s sake, clean up a little! I’m no Clean-Queen, but seeing dirty socks and underpants on the floor… Open those windows, they’re not nailed down. Oh, and the Golden Rule: you only wear a T-shirt once – than you put it in the laundry basket. It’s that simple.
5. You are not the center of the universe.
This is a common trait of jerks: thinking the world revolves around them. “You didn’t call? What do you mean you had something important to do??” – if she ever forgets to call when she said she would. Sure, you could’ve picked up the phone and called her yourself, but why would you do that, when you can just rub it in – “I can’t believe you forgot about me… I guess I’m not as important as your job/friends/parents”.
Newsflash: she has a life. She has friends, hobbies, a job [or several], she has some other things to do besides nursing you. Putting her in the position of choosing between everything else and you, as if being your girlfriend would be incompatible with having a life equals YOU ARE A JERK. She’ll walk.
Some people give men a bad name. Dixit.