Is it all fair in love and war?

I know that’s what they say. But is it true? I’ve written about that before (link to the post in Romanian), but I didn’t mean it. I wasn’t hurting enough to mean it. I was just wondering about principles.

But now, I come before you crying and I ask: does nothing else matter except oneself? Is this the real world and I’ve been blind? Do we live to please ourselves and never look back? Is it honorable to fight for your love? Should we do everything in our power to make it happen?

I really want to know. I’m not talking about wars because I am against violence of any kind. Nothing is fair in wars. I’m talking about love. Should we do anything, and I mean anything, if we love somebody?

I can’t. I can’t put my happiness above others’ and I don’t regret that. And I don’t judge the ones that do. I’m asking because it’s hard for me to get it. Maybe I’m too young (I’m still 22 until next month!) or maybe I’ve been lied to until now and didn’t realize it.

I ask you because I do look back. And I’d like to think I’m not the only one. I put my happiness above many things, but not above all things.  But some people do.

Today I looked back. Literally and not only. And I found out that some things happened without my knowledge. Things that affected me and have changed me. I will never be the same again.

I ask you: is everything allowed? Do we get away with a clean karma after hurting people because we don’t want to quit? Is quitting old fashioned? I didn’t think so. I thought that stepping away when someone else is in the place you want was honorable. But does honor matter when it comes to love?

Or we shouldn’t judge love issues according to fair and unfair standards? Maybe we should just live and let live. But here comes the paradox: what if letting others live means not living? I prefer letting others live.

Life’s soooo complicated. And I am soooo old fashioned. And I think old fashioned  honorable people are underrated. It should be simple and clear: I didn’t know, so I’m not responsible. Or you did know. I don’t believe in Heaven and Hell anyway, so it’s ok. It’s what we do in this lifetime that matters. And I prefer to lose some and I’m hoping I’ll win some, too, eventually.


  • Reply
    23/04/2007 at 9:43 PM

    Andressa’s Anatomy: S22E04 “Under The Bridge”

    “We, as bloggers… ”
    So, you’re in the thinking so much it makes your head hurts phase. It will pass, eventually, but not soonish. Don’t try to fight it, because it’s good. It’s YOU. Yes, you are “old fashioned”, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe you are underrated, but if you are, you are underrated by the wrong people, so who the fuck cares? It will pass, eventually, but not soonish. So do things that make you feel better or what you think it will make you feel better: write in your blog, catch up with Grey’s Anatomy, listen to “thousands, literally thousands, of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain
    and misery and loss”, whatever. It will pass, eventually, but not soonish. And you’ll be fine.. eventually. Looking forward for the next episode. p.s.: letting others live doesn’t mean not living. not forever anyway,I think… Damn, now I started thinking too much…

  • Reply
    Miss Cliche
    23/04/2007 at 9:46 PM

    Yes, it’s complicated and it sucks most of the times. But not always! And that’s what matters.
    And it is not fair. It’s not all black or white. Usually it’s grey and grey, even as a classy color does not suit everyone, but we get away with the accessories.
    Take the time to mourn. You can even say that you will never be the same again. But don’t let it get you. Now I shall quote my mother, who was talking about the two of us (I get away with being her daughter): If people like you two can’t, who can?!

    Let people get away. It’s their choice. Everybody has their own rules and if your rules do not corespond with the ones of the other…then Houston, we have a problem. It’s good that now you know that. Remember the “Ignorance is bliss” speech? 🙂

    Yes, it’s all unfair and everything is permitted. And with this you cannot fight. But you will be fine. Maybe not tonight, but you’ll be fine.

  • Reply
    23/04/2007 at 9:50 PM

    yes, not soonish…

    Miss Cliche,
    not tonight. someday? maybe. not sure. but it hurts so bad to know I’ve been lied to for so long. how can they live with themselves? 🙁

  • Reply
    23/04/2007 at 10:54 PM

    Life has a special way of fixing us
    maybe it wasn.t ment to be, maybe it will be better this way, i’m sure u will be strong and look back after a while with a sorrow smile
    dont look back in anger…

    btw..listen 2 this song- coldplay fix you

    best of luck
    take care

  • Reply
    23/04/2007 at 11:01 PM

    I never look back in anger. But I look back. As I was telling someone today: it is not empowering to get revenge, but to admit your weaknesses – that you care, that you feel pain, that you are disappointed. That’s being courageous. And I admit them. I care so much. It hurts so much. I know the feeling will go away. No regrets, right? I was honest and present 100 percent. It didn’t work out and I was cheated on.

    Moving on.

  • Reply
    Alina Popescu
    23/04/2007 at 11:03 PM

    It is all fair up to a point. When there are two striving to make something work, than not much out of “old fashioned” limits is really necessary. But fight for your love? I asked the same question a while ago. And a very wise man told me fighting means forcing it. You cannot make someone love you or choose you or follow your lead. All we can do is live our life the way we feel we need to. Those meant for us will stick around.

    I recommend Dido, See the sun, it did wonders. After some angry music that included Prodigy, Godsmack and the Queen of the Damned soundtrack. If you need any of those, just drop me a line 😉

  • Reply
    23/04/2007 at 11:11 PM

    not forcing it, I agree. But what about this: when I was 16 I was in love with a 20-year-old boy who said he had a girlfriend. I didn’t let go, I kept calling him and told him straight: “I don’t know anything about her, but I am sure I am more good looking and smarter and funnier.” – I held the “Love me, pick me” speech. And it worked. He dumped her. He did not cheat on her: he told her straight he found someone else. I think that’s fair.

    But what if you’re the other girl? The one cheated on. Not dumped for someone else, but cheated on. Is it fair to go hunting for taken guys or do we care about collateral damages? I care about those collateral damages now. I didn’t care when I was 16, but i know better now. It’s also a matter of principle.

  • Reply
    Mihai H
    24/04/2007 at 12:05 AM

    What does it mean to really mean something? Is it to have experienced many things in your life that resonate with the words being written?

    When I first read this post my mind got the following:
    “Nothing is fair in wars”, ” Maybe I’m too young (I’m still 22 until next month!)”, “I do look back”, “my happiness above many things”, ” Things that affected me and have changed me. I will never be the same again.”, “Maybe we should just live and let live”, ” I am soooo old fashioned”, “It’s what we do in this lifetime that matters.”
    I was about to write a speech about happiness – the value of synthesized happiness to be more precice (http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/97)- and about seeing the blessing in every curse. I was about to ask: “What’s wrong with never being the same again?”
    I then realized that I would totally miss the point. That I would show sympathy and fail to show empathy. ( http://www.firechaplains.org/articles2.html)
    I realized I didn’t even closely have the propper life experience to fully understand what you’re going through.
    … I guess becoming a volunteer would really help in the experience department.
    I guess that, like md152, I’ve begun thinking too much …

  • Reply
    Dark Templar / Zoom
    24/04/2007 at 12:22 AM

    “And I think old fashioned honorable people are underrated.”

    10x, You made my day 😀

    PS: Daca ai timp citeste penultimul meu post.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 12:36 AM

    Mihai H,
    there’s nothing wrong with not being the same again. Unless you don’t want to change or you change for the worse. In this case, I didn’t want to change, because I liked my innocence even if it made me vulnerable.

    It’s ok to show sympathy and not empathy. It’s ok to say what is on your mind. Just mean it.

    Dark Templar,
    Your’re wolcome, I guess.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 12:41 AM

    You know, I shouldn’t even write anything because i’m still suffering from collateral damages. From someone who didn’t let go.

    The bottom line (and forgive me if i use some slang and swear words here) is:

    If one wants to screw another person who has someone else without this someone else being aware, the only thing one can do is assume it. Not justify it. Justification of love, sex, him not loving the girlfriend and whatnot are just lame excuses. One screws because she/ she wants to and that’s really it. Being the boyfriend who betrays is, well, basically a matter of being an ass and being the girlfriend who is betrayed is f***** painful. But being the third person involved is, and let me make this very clear, not synonym to being excused of any responsibility. (Independently of love, sex and the all the whatnots)

    Not having a choice is bad, what can i say? And the only ones who have it are the betrayer ass and the third person. The one who doesn’t know shit about it doesn’t really have any chance or choice, isn’t that right?

    So yeah, i don’t want to be the one in my high horse here and say i am holier than thou. But i cared about others, and i have been betrayed. I might see many things from my point of view but i tried hard to understand others. I got tired now. Despite the understanding, i don’t want any of this shit in my life.

    Di i answer the question? oh yeah… then i must live in my own world as well. I care about others Andressa. And i am glad you do to.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 1:45 AM

    I’ve been always saying that life is just and stream of sadness, misery and unhappiness. And i still do…

    Only after you’ve been really-really-really sad and unhappy you may cherish what you have and what you are given. Only then you can be happy.

    I have always thought that being unhappy makes you feel alive. Because when you are happy you just go with the flow. But when you are unhappy and feel miserable you start thinking about your life. And what it means. And only then you realize that you are actually really living and realize that life is not only black and white. It always has a shade of gray.

    I may be pessimistic. Or I am just realistic. It doesn’t really matter. I just want to tell you that feeling hurt and neglected and cheated on and so many other things is the best that can happen. Because after that you will be far more happy than you were before.

    I have a little made-up story to go on with this comment: “every time jump out of the plane without a parachute. and if the other doesn’t catch you, you will hit the ground. you will hit it hard. it will hurt a lot. but then, get on the next plane. and it will fly higher than the one before. and keep doing this. it will hurt more and more. but eventually you will find that someone that will catch you. and then the time stops. and you both just float in the sky.”

    So my point is: don’t hurt because you were hurt. be happy that you were hurt. it’s not about “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”. it’s about overcoming your own fears and allowing yourself to be even happier each time by valuing what you have.

    All the best and take great care of you A.


  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 3:17 AM

    No, all is not fair in love or war. But we need this shallow justification so as to describe the steps we take in either realm in order to protect ourselves. Both love and war deal with survival, after all.

    Yet in romance we can feel the most in control. We can try to make the fewest compromises possible and find solace/passion/serenity/happiness. And to this end we might be careless in our Other – even though [s]he is the one to thank. You see, you may be aware of this; and through their happiness you have yours and you can think you’re putting someone else ahead of yourself. After that, all philosophy fails, becomes irrelevant. Love, after all, is in the moment, not in the memories.

    “if love is surrender // then whose war is it anyway?”

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 4:33 AM

    Life is not complicated, Life is just not fair 🙂 … that’s why we are in Romania.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 8:10 AM

    1. You’re still so young :).
    2. Quitting will never go out of fashion.
    3. Karma will get cleaner by itself in time.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 9:17 AM

    Forgot to add the last bit to your question.

    Yes, it’s worth fighting for love. But not at the costs of tripping over people who never harmed you.

    Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody. And people always get hurt, especially in situations like these. However, and despite this being real life, one can try to make all the difference by looking for honesty and demanding it as well.

    If the guy is in a tricky situation and tells you he doesn’t love the girlfriend and is trying to break it off, by all means, let him know how much you love him. If you think he is the one, show him your cards and your conditions.

    If the guy tells you he loves you but he is with someone else, then question why he is with someone else. Not simply forget that he is with someone else. If he tells you he doesn’t love the girlfriend, then question why he is with someone he doesn’t love. Not simply use this as a justification for your actions.

    If he stays with the girlfriend, not matter what reasons he gives you, and the girlfriend doesn’t know anything about it (and might or might not find out), ask yourself if this it’s worth it. Why would you fight that much for someone who didn’t value you enough to be true to himself? Why would the girlfriend (or boyfriend in any case) have to go through such a painful situation (if she/ he discovered it) when she / he did not have any saying about it (not up til the point of discovery?).

    Love is only worth fighting for when there are signs of giving/ taking/ giving. Loving unconditionally does not mean getting nothing in return. If you get nothing in return (well, depends what nothing is for you), no, it’s not worth it.

    (i used YOU, but this you is generic, ok?)

  • Reply
    Alina Popescu
    24/04/2007 at 11:48 AM

    Well, it is a matter of principle. But giving someone a choice when you are 16 is something. Being cheated on later is something else. Would you ever trust it, the relationship? Could you get over the fact he cheated on you and trust he won’t do it again?

    On the other hand, the boy you talked about wanted it to. He had not made a decision that you were fighting against. In this case, cheating on is something you decide to do willingly. I do not believe in blind weeks and impulses you cannot say no to.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 12:41 PM

    Heav’n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn’d,
    Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn’d.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 12:46 PM

    it is important for us to know that we build our own reality…we decide which direction to choose…word are important, because they materialize…hug:)

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 3:20 PM

    Don’t you people feel that it’s wrong we came at the point of thinking that “honor” is “old fashioned” ? Trust me, it’s not. It will never be out of “fashion”, it will simply not be in a lot of people’s hearts.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 3:46 PM

    It’s funny that you should mention this at this moment. I’ve held the “I care” speech just recently, and with the same results as you. But still I wonder. No, it’s not a bad thing to put first someone else’s happiness, but what if that third person is not the right one for that particular person and you’re the one to know that. What then? But in this case the word “objectivity” is a very relative one. Perhaps there is no real solution, life has it’s ways that we don’t necessarily understand at the right time. But I think sometimes one doesn’t have to feel lied to because people have always had the tendency to feed their own illusions. At least up to some point. Things have their own way of fixing… P.s. Listen to Damien Rice – The Blower’s Daughter. Not a happy song but…

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 10:18 PM

    I have a slight ideea about what you are feeling, because i am in this position myself. And it sucks. But, in time, the pain will go away. I usually try to keep myself busy, beacause if i stop, memories pop out. And it’s not a pretty sight.
    PS: I thought spring was supposed to be the season of love not break-ups. Guess i thought wrong… 🙁

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 10:19 PM

    it’s going to be ok. and quitting is sometimes the most courageous thing to do.

  • Reply
    24/04/2007 at 10:22 PM

    it’s not about a break-up. it’s about being lied to for a long time.

  • Reply
    25/04/2007 at 12:32 AM

    Well, what can i say, i’m blonde. 😀
    Honestly, i don’t get people who lie. I mean, the truth will come out eventually, and it will probably hurt. Why make people suffer by not telling the truth in the first place?
    And yes, nowadays honorable people are, sadly, often considered suckers. “It’s a tought world out there”, many liars say. Hell, yeah, but i’d rather fight it still having a clear conscience.
    PS: Sorry for not getting it right the first time. My brain was probably out to lunch when i read your post (it seems to eat quite a lot, apparently, ’cause it was missing for a looooooooong time. I’m not sure it’s back, actually).

  • Reply
    Confused « Gânduri rătăcite
    25/04/2007 at 3:09 PM

    […] Confused Posted by fata cu soarele under sadbird , aberatii , ganduri , diary  Însemnările Andressei sunt de-o sinceritate crudă zilele astea. Îşi trăieşte lucid dezamăgirea, poate mai […]

  • Reply
    25/04/2007 at 5:06 PM

    “I can’t. I can’t put my happiness above others’ and I don’t regret that.”
    I’m happy to see that there are other people like that.. for a long time I really believed people like that are fairy tales..

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